An Exercise on Understanding Trust
by shadowscantcatchyou
Summary: "You propose to Holly on your third anniversary. Or at least, you try to."


An Exercise on Understanding Trust

By Gail Peck

**_i._** The alcohol is doing nothing to soothe your pain; it has only dulled it a little, making it thud in time with your heartbeat. You feel pathetic, and the reflection looking back at you in the mirror says just as much. (Did you really just cut off all your hair?) But then she finds you and you're sitting in a bathtub with the most wonderful woman you've ever met and you finally feel safe. Her fingers gently brush against your skin and her lips ghost your mouth and her smile fills your thoughts and you don't feel so broken anymore. You learn that trust is ripping open your heart and believing that the person in front of you will tend to and mend your wounds with gentle kisses pressed to your skin.

**_ii._** You're watching Holly with a smile on your face as she tells you about her day at work, using weird medical words that only sound vaguely familiar. You might not know what most of it means but you definitely know she's the hottest doctor out there. And she's yours. You lean over, kiss her, and when you finally pull away she asks, "What was that for?" with a small smile. You just give her a shrug and kiss her again. You learn that trust is something that consumes you and fills you with pride.

**_iii._** There are tears in your eyes and a waver in your voice that you're doing nothing to hide because Holly's hands are holding your own and you thought you'd never have her like this again. You're finally having the talk, the one about what you two actually _are_, and it feels like everything is falling back into place. You wonder why you ever placed the opinion of her friend above her own. You learn that trust is the foundation for all relationships and you were wrong to ever doubt her.

**_iv._** It is one in the morning and you're baking a cake together, drunk, because you're both hungry and neither of you want to leave the house. "Sorry, repeat that?" Holly asks, biting her lip, a smile threatening to spill from her mouth. "The long stick thing with the bowl at the end, Holly. We can't cook without it," you tell her seriously. "Gail, do you mean a _spoon_?" she asks. "I _might_ have meant a spoon," you say, faking nonchalance, and then you're both laughing uncontrollably and you can't breathe and it's the best feeling in the world. You learn that trust is falling in love with your best friend and never looking back.

**_v._** Sometimes you wonder if it feels this different, this _good_, because Holly is a woman, or because Holly is Holly. But then you run your fingers over her toned, soft stomach and watch as her muscles quiver beneath you; she's looking up at you, hair splayed across the pillow, like you are the most important person in the world. She makes you feel like you are. "I love you," she says, running her fingers through your hair and pulling you in. (Yeah, it's definitely because Holly is Holly.) You learn that trust makes desire so much stronger.

_**vi.** _You wake up in a cold sweat, with your heart hammering between your rib cage and a feeling of dread pulsing through your veins. Holly doesn't need to ask to know you're having _that_ nightmare again; she whispers, "it's okay, Gail," into your hair over and over, until you start to feel a little more grounded, until you think that maybe it is okay, until you're able to fall back to sleep in her arms. You wonder if that oxy trip was the only reason you told her about Jerry all those nights ago. You learn that trust sneaks up on you and smothers you before you can stop it.

**_vii._** Even after all these years you still have an aching, passionate, burning desire for Holly, but as you drop kisses on the insides of her thighs, you can't help but think the knowledge that you're going to be proposing tomorrow, the ring hidden away only a few meters away from you both, makes the feeling that much stronger. You learn that trust is not being scared about considering the possibility of forever.

_**viii.** _Holly is asleep beside you on the sofa, wearing nothing but a ridiculously baggy, worn out Star Wars t-shirt. (What a nerd.) She looks so beautiful when she's sleeping and it makes your heart swell. Her head is resting against your chest and her arm is draped over your stomach and you can feel her breath on your skin coming out in short, warm tufts. You learn that trust is having faith that the small moments like this one will give you all the happiness you need.

**_ix._** You propose to Holly on your third anniversary. Or at least, you try to. You start by surprising her with breakfast in bed. (Peanut butter on toast with orange juice because it's her favourite.) Holly gives you a sleepy smile when she sees you standing in the doorway. "Hi," she says, rubbing her eyes. She yawns, reaches for her glasses on the bedside table and happily accepts the food. "Happy anniversary," you say, giving her a chaste kiss before hopping onto the bed, hoping you're hiding your nerves well enough. "Gail, why are you watching me eat?" she asks after a moment, amused. That's when you thrust the ring at her in the most unromantic way possible. She chokes on her toast. And then she says yes. You learn that trust in believing in the both of you enough to know she wouldn't say no.

**_x._** Your hands are tangled in Holly's soft hair as she trails her tongue across your jaw, neck, collarbone. "You know, Holly, I think the sex is better now that you're my wife," you tell her. She just laughs, reaching her hand beneath your sweatpants. "Oh really?" she asks. "Oh, _god," _you groan at the feel of her fingers on your skin, "yeah, really." Later that night you're curled up together in the bed sheets, both smiling uncontrollably at each other; you reach up and brush a loose strand of hair out of her eyes. She's never looked so beautiful before. You learn that trust and love are the most important things in the world.

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**Author's note: **I'm not too sure what this is... maybe just a little bit of well-deserved fluff after 5x07? Either way, I hope you enjoyed reading. Feedback is appreciated :)


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